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26 May 2015 @ 11:36 pm
things we lost in the fire  

for the boy who left me hanging.

(title from bastille's song because i am an uncreative individual)

'accept the fact that you will grow apart from people you've had significant relationships with. understand when someone no longer positively affects your life. let them go. don't hinder your growth.' -lyjerria


so this is how it ends,
you with your arms around
another girl, me waiting for
the answer i’ll never get.
how many nights have i spent
washing your name off the tip
of my tongue; how many nights
have i spent collecting tears
in the jars of my fists?
once upon a time you were
my personal map, a landmark
i could seek when i lost myself
in my own thoughts.
once upon a time you were
everything to me.

but i am no longer the fourteen year old
that you first spoke to, two years ago.
you are no longer the boy who gave me
his number in place of a suicide hotline.
i am sick and tired of putting an expiry date
to my happiness; your departure is not its end.
so tonight i will delete every text you sent me
because i refuse to cling to ghosts that won’t stay.
tonight i will not shed tears as i watch
what made us, us go up in flames.

(but thank you all the same.)

-

thank you for this friendship. i'm not gonna lie, you were important to me; i don't think i would have made it if it weren't for you. but as of now i don't think this friendship is going to work out because it seems that i am no longer significant to you. things change and people change - honestly, i should have expected this to happen. i don't know why i was so optimistic. this is the first and last poem i have ever written, and will ever write for you. i hope you find happiness. (though i think you already have, haha.)

edit (2/6/15): somebody once said that everything that comes before a 'but' is irrelevant. i agree. i don't care if i sound bitter and angry, you are a jerk and a douchebag. i don't know what happened to you. once upon a time you were so reliable and so important. but i should stop clinging to a memory of who you used to be; it does the living no good to beg for ghosts to stay. i gave you so many chances to salvage this friendship but you blew them all. don't worry, you can keep ignoring me and pretending i never existed. i don't need anyone who is going to make me feel like dirt. you have already erased every single memory of me from your mind anyway. i will take my sorrow and weave it into a hundred different poems about you. someday you will find a book at your doorstep and your name will be carved into every single page. how happy you used to make me. how well you treated me. how kind you were to me. but all that is history. i will tell thousands of people about the tears i cried for you, the nights i spent thinking about you, the hours i spent wondering what went wrong when all this time it was you, you were the one who made a mistake. i am not sorry for this, because you should be the one who's sorry. i hate you so, so much. i take back my words. i don't miss you at all.